Hibernez de trei sapatmani, poate chiar mai mult; I stopped counting de ceva timp..

Intre timp, in lume si in lumea mai apropriata, se intamla chestii importante. Ecranul televizorului zvacneste sonor in fiecare seara la ora 7…so yeah..the world is still out there..what a shame..for all of us, pretenders like me, pretending not to be a part of it.

In zile ca asta urasc oamenii care au viata..care au o viata de-adevaratelea. Stii…genul ala de oameni care arata cu degetul, rad si spun soptit in sinea lor: Oh, spare me! K’mon man, get a life! Am spus-o si eu de-atatea ori cand aveam impresia ca I am on top above all daily things, ca I got my programme, much longer than 9-5…but still, sunt zile goale, pe care le tragi constient si lipsit de noroc dintr-un mare pachet de carti; sunt cartoane blank…with no numbers to gamble upon, no smiley faces…

M-am luptat azi aproape o ora cu un prieten who was trying as hell to drag me outta the house. Cred ca am ramas si cu vanatai. De trei ori m-a luat in brate sa ma scoata pe usa, de trei ori am scapat..in final, nu am reusit decat sa ii fac lui nervi si sa raman din nou singura, cu regrete..nu pt ca as fi proasta..ci pt lipsa de bun simt. Uneori nesimtirea mi se autoimpune ca o clauza de salvagardare.

E ceva magic in zilele de vara toride, in care inchizi toate geamurile din casa, dai drumul la aer conditionat..si totul ramane in penumbra. In casa, singurele lumini raman liniile galbene care scapa prin jaluzele si se reflecta in oglinzi…ceva ce imi aminteste de copilarie. E ceva la fel de magic in cooking a meal for one, pouring carefully a glass of wine, carrying it in front of the tv, and enjoying the space around u. For a short time u find urself self-centered.

De fiecare data cand primesc in dar 2-3 zile de singuratate imi promit ca le voi folosi for thinking over, for makin the big decisions. What a bluff! All the big decisions in my life took me months of painfull disputes over nothin’ that was to become real; instead, no more than 10 seconds to make when the moment urged me to do it. Compromisurile sunt rapide; free choice, on the other hand takes a lot of time.